"Marisi, giingnan bitaw'ng di magkiat-kiat" (you deserve it, I've been telling you to behave, but you never listened). This line is usually coupled with spanking of the child who, for "misbehaving", stumbled and cut his knee.
"Third ra ka? Mas nindot jud ang first honor" (You only rank third in the honor list? Being first is far better.) A father's line to his daughter who happily reported that she was third in her class' honor roll.
"Abi ko ba'g bright ka, nganong wa man ka na-perfect sa imong exam?" (I thought you’re intelligent, why didn't you get a perfect score in your exam?) A mother scolding her son upon knowing that he got two mistakes in his exam.
"Bogo jud ka uy...wa gyud nimo gamita imong utok?!" (you're really stupid...you never use your brain!). This statement, plus a hard pointing at the child's head; and the whole scene a reaction to the child's failure to get the parent's command/instruction.
Do they sound familiar? I bet they do. In my case, they do not only sound familiar, they are real...so real that to this day, I could still feel the humiliation, pain, and helplessness.
I was brought up at a time when child psychology, child's rights, and responsible parenthood were but remote theories. I was brought up by parents who are products of the traditional belief that the better way to discipline a child was through spanking and "crippling" his/her ego. I, too, am a product (and hopefully, the last in the family) of such a skewed belief.
I grew up believing that I was intelligent, but not too intelligent...that I was talented (I could sing), but not very talented like the others (who could sing, dance, draw, etc.)...that I was a winner, but a winner among losers...that I was beautiful as a person, but only when I would become somebody and have achieved so much in life. I grew up nursing a battered self-esteem, and almost always, wallowing in self-pity.
I have the school to thank for. It was there where I learned that parents are not right all the time…that the old cliché, “mother knows best”, is not always true…that every person is responsible for charting his/her destiny…that there is such a thing as child abuse (physical and psychological)…that there is such a human quality as resilience, being able to recover readily from adversity.
The ideas I learned in school have widened my perspective about life and people, and have helped me understand my parents better. Likewise, the friendships I found have paved the way for a renewed sense of self.
And now to the question, “could we blame our parents for bringing us up the way they did?” There are moments, especially when plagued with self-doubt, when I am tempted to blame them for being instrumental in deflating my self-esteem. In such moments it is very convenient to point a finger at them for wounding my childhood.
But as I reflect on the things that happened, I have but understanding and compassion for them. They are merely victims of traditional parenting beliefs and practices. They were merely replicating the way their parents brought them up.
They may have fallen short on side of parenting, but we should put to heart that they did what they did with the best intentions.
This awareness should provide us the courage and opportunity to change the way we bring up our (future) kids. We should be kinder, gentler, and more humane; otherwise, we will be producing more wounded individuals!
When parents fail, we, children need not fail.
"Third ra ka? Mas nindot jud ang first honor" (You only rank third in the honor list? Being first is far better.) A father's line to his daughter who happily reported that she was third in her class' honor roll.
"Abi ko ba'g bright ka, nganong wa man ka na-perfect sa imong exam?" (I thought you’re intelligent, why didn't you get a perfect score in your exam?) A mother scolding her son upon knowing that he got two mistakes in his exam.
"Bogo jud ka uy...wa gyud nimo gamita imong utok?!" (you're really stupid...you never use your brain!). This statement, plus a hard pointing at the child's head; and the whole scene a reaction to the child's failure to get the parent's command/instruction.
Do they sound familiar? I bet they do. In my case, they do not only sound familiar, they are real...so real that to this day, I could still feel the humiliation, pain, and helplessness.
I was brought up at a time when child psychology, child's rights, and responsible parenthood were but remote theories. I was brought up by parents who are products of the traditional belief that the better way to discipline a child was through spanking and "crippling" his/her ego. I, too, am a product (and hopefully, the last in the family) of such a skewed belief.
I grew up believing that I was intelligent, but not too intelligent...that I was talented (I could sing), but not very talented like the others (who could sing, dance, draw, etc.)...that I was a winner, but a winner among losers...that I was beautiful as a person, but only when I would become somebody and have achieved so much in life. I grew up nursing a battered self-esteem, and almost always, wallowing in self-pity.
I have the school to thank for. It was there where I learned that parents are not right all the time…that the old cliché, “mother knows best”, is not always true…that every person is responsible for charting his/her destiny…that there is such a thing as child abuse (physical and psychological)…that there is such a human quality as resilience, being able to recover readily from adversity.
The ideas I learned in school have widened my perspective about life and people, and have helped me understand my parents better. Likewise, the friendships I found have paved the way for a renewed sense of self.
And now to the question, “could we blame our parents for bringing us up the way they did?” There are moments, especially when plagued with self-doubt, when I am tempted to blame them for being instrumental in deflating my self-esteem. In such moments it is very convenient to point a finger at them for wounding my childhood.
But as I reflect on the things that happened, I have but understanding and compassion for them. They are merely victims of traditional parenting beliefs and practices. They were merely replicating the way their parents brought them up.
They may have fallen short on side of parenting, but we should put to heart that they did what they did with the best intentions.
This awareness should provide us the courage and opportunity to change the way we bring up our (future) kids. We should be kinder, gentler, and more humane; otherwise, we will be producing more wounded individuals!
When parents fail, we, children need not fail.
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