I have always been "on the go", always busy with work, school, domestic tasks, girlfriend responsibilities, you name it. I survive each day based on a set of lists (what to do, what to buy, what to eat) and rules (thou shall not eat more than four times a day; thou shall not give in to dessert cravings, wait till Saturday; thou shall not sleep late, etc.)! In short, planning is a significant part of my life. Without which, I will feel miserable as I cannot account my accomplishments for the day.
Sounds absurd, but spontaneity means G-U-I-L-T for me. I feel guilty for impulsively buying that cute blouse I see at Ayala. I feel guilty for eating yummy food when, maybe, Papa or my siblings are only eating the usual fish and veggies. I feel guilty for buying myself a new pair of jeans, and not buying anything for my sister. I feel guilty for taking a vacation from work, when my officemates are working really hard in preparation for our institution's anniversary. I feel guilty for anything!
Sounds absurd again, but I grew up worrying just about anything. I've tried hard to figure out where all these negative attitudes came from, and I came up with two possibilities:
That being said, you must now have an idea of the agony I am in on my fifth day of being stranded here in Bangkok. To be clear, I am not saying that I am not happy being with Viktor. I am happy seeing him every day, walking him outside the apartment, waiting till he comes home from work, but at the same time, the fact that I am not doing office work is killing me. The fact that I have no list or set of rules to follow is making me guilty to the maximum! I just couldn't help feeling the way I am feeling.
Thus, as an outlet, I am writing this blog. I hope to feel better after publishing this piece. If not, then I guess a hot shower, followed by iced coffee and a Coelho book will help.
Lest you fail to notice, I just made a short list. Oooops!
Sounds absurd, but spontaneity means G-U-I-L-T for me. I feel guilty for impulsively buying that cute blouse I see at Ayala. I feel guilty for eating yummy food when, maybe, Papa or my siblings are only eating the usual fish and veggies. I feel guilty for buying myself a new pair of jeans, and not buying anything for my sister. I feel guilty for taking a vacation from work, when my officemates are working really hard in preparation for our institution's anniversary. I feel guilty for anything!
Sounds absurd again, but I grew up worrying just about anything. I've tried hard to figure out where all these negative attitudes came from, and I came up with two possibilities:
- I am just behaving like a Virgo should. But then not all Virgos feel guilty or worry like I do. I know a lot of Virgos who are capable of enjoying and treating themselves!
- I lost my mother while I was a kid, and, being the eldest, I took it upon myself to take care of my younger sister. Maybe. But then I know of people who lost one of their parents while they were still kids, yet they are not as stiff as me. I know of people who had had to take "adult respo0nsibilities" while they were still young, but they did not end up guilt-freaks or pathetic worriers.
That being said, you must now have an idea of the agony I am in on my fifth day of being stranded here in Bangkok. To be clear, I am not saying that I am not happy being with Viktor. I am happy seeing him every day, walking him outside the apartment, waiting till he comes home from work, but at the same time, the fact that I am not doing office work is killing me. The fact that I have no list or set of rules to follow is making me guilty to the maximum! I just couldn't help feeling the way I am feeling.
Thus, as an outlet, I am writing this blog. I hope to feel better after publishing this piece. If not, then I guess a hot shower, followed by iced coffee and a Coelho book will help.
Lest you fail to notice, I just made a short list. Oooops!
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